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My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes.” I replied, “I’m working...
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live...
« I hate reality, but you can't get a good steak anywhere else. »
« If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? »
« Every morning, I bring my wife coffee in bed. All she has to do is grind...
So this guy from the Highways Agency goes up to his guv'nor and says, "Boss,...
« Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. »
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
« My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only...
In a couple, the man can have the last word as long as it's "Yes, dear."
« I can levitate birds. No one cares. »
Are any laws being broken if an endangered animal is eating an endangered...
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive...
Hospitality (noun): the art of making your guests feel at home even when you...
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
Two old ladies are talking on a park bench together. "Do you remember when...
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved.
« It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls....
« Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. »
« I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the...
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
He who has taken the way of Tao is kindly requested to return it when he has...
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no...
The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
« More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path...
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when...
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take...
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and...
« Fame has only brought me one good thing - the women who reject me are more...
« People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. »
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Wife: Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen,...
« The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. »
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit...
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
« "Always" and "never" are two words you should always remember never to use. »
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score...
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A...
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her...
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s...
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s...
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men...
Violence is never the answer, unless the question is “What is never the...
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!...
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2017...
« Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Knock knock... who's there? Cows go... Cows go who ? No, cows go moo !
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "this...
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
Every time I'm around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her...
« Do you hate people? I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're...
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is...
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody...
Being the fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym....
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”...
One day a man saw a fairy and asked "could you please make me irresistible to...
« By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get...
« If there's one thing that protects a woman, it's that if you want to see...
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a...
I probably shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially...
« Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? »
« Doctors in the States can now diagnose you in under a minute. They call your...
« It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. »
« I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster...
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,...
« Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of...
« What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me...
Common sense is a lot like deodorant. The people who need it most, never use...
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well...
If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is...
« “Look, you can date whoever you want and I will totally support you. I am...
« If you looked more beautiful, I'd be bored already. But things being as they...
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I...
« If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. »
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
« I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! »
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering...
« What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I...
One fine day in the middle of the night two dead men got up to fight. Back...
« It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the...
What do you call a kind, intelligent, handsome man? A rumour.
"There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either."
The other night I played poker with a pack of Tarot cards. I got a full house...
Sometimes I just sit quietly and wonder how come I'm not in a mental asylum....
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve...
« Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some...
« Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have...
« The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. »
« A girl phoned me the other day and said...'Come on over, there's nobody...
« Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. »
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
« If everyone thinks you're right all the time, it probably proves you're an...
A husband is someone who supports you through all the problems you wouldn't...
« My horoscope tells me I'm going to win the lottery. Well there won't be much...
A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST. A person who SURRENDERS...
« Women like silent men. They think they are listening. »
Why did the chicken cross the road? Plato: For the greater good. Karl...
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't...
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the...
« There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep...
When a man is young, he has a stomach : when he gets older he has a belly.
« If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin...
Hello. Our systems have just informed us that your phone is being misused. It...
"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double...
You say to your beloved : "You are everything to me". And then once married,...
« If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be? »
"I've thought of taking my life many times. I just can't ever decide where...
« A mouse is an animal that, when killed in sufficient quantities, under...
There are at least three advantages to having Alzheimers: 1. You get to make...
« I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,...
What is the first man on the moon? - A good start.